Have faith in me.
I really don’t know how much more of this I can handle. I’m trying so hard to get over you. And just when I think I am, just when I finally think I’m over you and happy…..BOOM! You come back and stab me right in my chest. Your words hit me harder than you’ll ever understand. They hit me like a ton of bricks. Our conversation made my heart drop, made me lose my breathe, and even made me walk out of class in tears. Why? Why am I still feeling this way after everything you have put me through? All the heartache, arguments, and pain we have caused each other…..why are we still here, talking about how we used to be….you telling me you wish you had come to my house to sweep me off my feet and take me away forever? If you would have told me that two months ago….I would have let you. Just because I always go running back to you. Always. But now…I can’t say that. I really care about the guy I’m with now. Am I in love with him? No. Will I fall in love with him? I really don’t know. I’d like to think I will. He’s handsome, smart, charming, funny, chivalrous, and an all around gentleman. He truly cares about me, and he shows me that everyday. Our relationship is going amazing. Honestly, a week or two ago I would have told you I was falling in love with Charlie….but now all this talk with Sam I cannot say that. I don’t know enough about Charlie to be in love with him. I don’t know his family and friends, they are in another state. I’ve only known him a few months, and we’ve only been close for a little over two months now. Yeah….Sam and I fell in love a month in our relationship, but we also knew each other for years. By the time we started dating we had already been best friends for as long as I could remember. That relationship was one a girl dreamed of. Fall in love with your best friend, that’s what you were supposed to do. That’s what we did. But we couldn’t keep it. We always fought, and you weren’t willing to keep fighting to keep me in your life when I was. Now you probably regret it. Now you say you wish you had come to my house to tell me you loved me and beg for me to come back to your life. And like I said, two months ago, I would have gone back to you in a heart beat…..but now….now I can’t. And not just because I don’t want to hurt Charlie. But because I don’t want to hurt myself. Yeah, Charlie makes me happy. Happier than I’ve been in months….but he’s also good for me. He pushes me to do better. He pushes himself to do better. He’s doing something for his life. He has a great future ahead of him after he’s done with law school. With him, I know we can be something, together. But with Sam….I only saw me going somewhere. And that was so long as he didn’t hold me back from doing so. I know Sam had the capability of doing great things, but he never pushed himself hard enough to do so. And I could only push him so far. But now he is pushing himself to get more hours, new jobs, new apartment….It’s just so confusing…..how do you tell your head to do something when your heart says otherwise. My head tells me I’m better off with Charlie. He has a future. He makes me happy now. He hasn’t hurt me. He would do anything to not lose me. He literally adores me….but my heart is torn. My heart is confused on who is right. My heart wants to say go to Sam because that is my comfort zone. I was comfortable with Sam because of the years of history we have. We know each other inside and out, know how our families operate, know everything about each other. But my heart is also saying I can be that comfortable with Charlie. One day I could fall head over heels in love with him….it’s just the question if I want to find a new forever love. I fucking hate this. It hurts, so much. So fucking much. It’s not fair. Why can’t things just work out, huh? We loved each other…..we wanted to spend our lives together…..why can’t we just figure it out? I don’t want to hurt anymore. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t want you to hurt…..I just want to be happy. But at this point, I don’t know what to do. My heart is tearing me in every direction and I’m just at the point I cannot take it anymore. I really just want it all to end….I really do….I can’t do this anymore….(4 days ago)
I’m honestly at my breaking point. I don’t know how much more I can handle. Life keeps throwing struggles at me and isn’t giving me anything in return. I can’t get a break and it’s killing me. I just want to be happy. I want things to work out. I want to be able to go a day without just breaking down and crying my heart out. Everyone is trying so hard to be here for me and I appreciate every one of them but no one seems to understand how low I’m at right now. I haven’t been this low in years. I just want it all to end….I really do. Every time I think about all the struggles my stomach drops and I start crying. My life just keeps going down hill and I really don’t think I can do it anymore. I just want to end it.(1 week ago)